Confession - Ability, Humility, and Giftedness

I am heading home after a difficult day at work. Nothing bad happened. I actually accomplished a lot. The snow didn't drive me homewards. I wrote a letter of recommendation, talked to someone about a wedding, prepared for and led a church meeting, worked on a jurisdictional event, prayed, and did general office work. Yet, sometimes I wonder what gifts God has given me, and I am never sure if I use them to the best of my ability. I've been struggling with living a much deeper spiritual life - trying to stick to fixed hour prayer, praying an hour a day for my church, and being more intentional about my body and health. For all of that, and it has been fantastic, I still struggle with things. Are they idols I won't let relinquish? Or, is it humility that I want only the best for the people I serve and to whom I attempt to minister?

As I look back on this note, I notice the word "struggle" is overused, but it is the correct word in every place. What is this struggle about? And, how can I stay in it to the end where I, hopefully, will find a new strength and trust in what I can do, find strength in what I actually do, and trust how God uses me in the world?

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one I know who lives with internal struggles. Don't get me wrong: I'm strong-headed, pretty sure of my intellect, and I have firm beliefs about certain things. I'm not a pushover. But, in those deep places of the soul, there remains an uncertainty about a lot of things in which I believe I should be more grounded. On good days, this manifests as awe. I ask, "How is it that I serve a beautiful congregation that deeply loves God and yearns to serve the world?" I marvel that I've been entrusted with people's stories, their joys, their pain, and their hopes. On other days I doubt.

In a struggle for faithfulness, I hope that I am not doubting God. Yet, in a way, I know that must be what is happening. In doubting my giftedness, am I not also doubting God's ability to use this cracked vessel of a life that is mine? I suppose that this is a confession: "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." Perhaps someday, maybe even tomorrow (?), I will face the world in awe instead of fear.

Wilderness Confession

Well, I've been out of the blogosphere for quite a while. I have been wandering in the wilderness for some time, wondering what God would have me do if I would respond with a "yes" to God's call. Much of the time I feel like a spiritual coward who is unwilling to wade deeply into God's healing waters out of fear that it will do what it promises - change me and, thus, require changes from me. Fear has become, unfortunately, too normative and standard in how I live life; I allow it to dictate and limit how I live. So, I confess this fear and express a desire to move through and out of it.

I know that I am not the only person to have hopes and dreams that fall by the wayside. We say that we have obligations, that we've grown up, that our visions aren't practical. We use the pressure of normative life to let us off the hook of living the full lives that God would have us live. The problem, of course, is that we do grow up and take on obligations. Sometimes dreams aren't practical; they can be foolish. Discerning between foolish day dreaming and bold faith can be a difficult, tedious, and confusing process. This is where I am.

I want to get a PhD. I want to create a video-based curriculum focused on spiritual practices and a Christian "Way" of life that could be used in adult Sunday schools. I want to work in water management and protection: eco-stewardship. And I want to help start a new Christian community.

I want to gather people together who have a deep hunger for more meaning in life - people who find chanting the psalms, celebrating the Eucharist, and praying meaningful. I want to gather these folks together in covenant relationship taking Sabbath, Sacrament, Stewardship, Service, Simplicity, and Scripture seriously. The community would include ancient rituals and be relevant for postmodern life. There would be an intentional living community living among the poorest in my city, offering hospitality, living simply, and shining with God's love. Eventually we would have a small working farm where people could go for transition and discernment: after a divorce, after treatment for alcohol or drug abuse, after leaving a bad relationship, during times of vocational change, on sabbatical, and so forth. I see this community clearly. It is radical and faithful to the God who has captured my heart.

The question isn't "what" for my life. The question is "how." How? How does one start a project like creating a curriculum? How does one start a community with monastic components, worship components, and covenantal components? How does one do these things and pay the mortgage, maintain health insurance, and keep family intact? How can I move from dreaming to living? From fear to faith?